The Vats - the meeting places of the A.O.F.B. 

Ye Ancient Orders and Rules for 

VATS

The word VAT will be used for discriminating the Gatherings, Meeting Places and Haunts of A.O.F.B.'s.

These Rules will be Usually Observed at all Vats and Formal Gatherings of Froth Blowers. They may be substanti­ally altered or added to in order to comply with local conditions at the discretion of the Senior Blowers in charge. The assembled Blowers will take their seats at the Festive Board according to their rank or booklet number; the higher the number, the greater the distance from the Liquid Refreshment. The Senior Blower (or higher rank) will then inspect his immediate surroundings, making sure that he is amply equipped with tankards (full), a pavior's beetle or piffle-snonker, cash or oast box, cork screw, thumb screw, booklet, pennant and other Froth Blower's implements deemed necessary to preserve dignity and order. Before any ceremony is permitted all tankards or glasses must be filled.

1. After all are seated the S.B. will appoint a hefty sub-assistant vice~gargler who will create silence when necessary.

2. A crypt-like damp silence having been obtained, the S.B. will give the command: 

SHOOT YOUR LINEN, BLOWERS !

All Blowers will then jerk both arms to the table, to their immediate front, and at the same time using sufficient energy to fully expose BOTH cuff links The S.B. will inspect the cuffs of his neighbour on his left side. This action will then be carried out automatically round the table. Any irregularity to be instantly reported and the defaulter to stand up to receive sentence.

3. PENALTIES.- For total absence of both links a round of drinks, or if in the opinion of the S.B. such penalty be excessive owing to the number of Blowers present, a suitable fine may be placed in the oast box. The defaulter also shall have his beer served in an egg-cup for one hour precisely. No limit to number of cups consumed.
For the absence of one link only, the defaulting Blower shall sing the Blower's Anthem, at once, by himself, without accompaniment and in an audible manner, with the offending cuff held above his head. The Blowers present will preserve a contemptuous silence. Broken links, if complete not to be penalised, In the event of a Senior Blower-in-Charge, or higher rank if present, being found lacking the two complete links, he must pay for a complete round of drinks (or suitable fine) and sing the Blower's Anthem to a complete stranger over the telephone. The telephone number shall be determined by the Sub-Assistant Vice-Gargler, who will jab a corkscrew into the telephone book for purposes of elimination. Should the senior only possess one complete link he shall pay a suitable fine. This fine to be doubled should he not carry out the following sentence: He must retire for a brief space of time, during which he shall reverse his trousers, coat, collar and tie, back to front and vice-versa. After general inspection he may "about turn." The assembled Blowers meanwhile assuming a blasphemous silence. The above penalties to be considered as the punishment for grave irregularities. Other punishments of a more flippant and humorous nature will be at the discretion of the S.B. All blowers present will probably suggest other suitable penalties for lesser crimes.


4. After link inspection and penalties are completed the toast of the evening "Sir Alfred and Lady Fripp and Ye Ancient Order of Froth Blowers" will be announced. The S.B. will then "Try the Pipes" and conduct the " F.B.'s Anthem."

5. General business, gargling and mutual recriminations will then commence sandwiched with songs, fights and diversions generally.

6. The National Anthem will absolutely terminate the proceedings. Any Blower not participating in same to be deprived of his links and booklet and his dollar returned to him in farthings, stamps, francs, etc, with suitable compound interest.

7. Badges of rank will at all times, excuse absence of links.

8. The Subscription is for Life Membership and further subs will not be expected. Fines and donations may be garnered at the discretion of "Vat" members if unanimously agreed upon.

9. Fines should be levied for late attendance, early retirement, extreme silence, moaning at the bar, chewing the fat, breaking furniture, upsetting perfectly good beer, tripping the waiters, chucking bread, corks or pianos at the S.B., singing the anthem in a flat, sharp, tired or pathetic manner, and all other breaches of local etiquette according to individual vat arrangements.

10. The Oast Box when full or (at the discretion of the S.B.) of a sum suitable for Blower No. 1 (Sir Alfred Fripp) to personally acknowledge, should be conveniently forwarded to No. 1, with the Vats greetings.

11. Any communist, murderer, welsher, conscientious objector or other vermin attending any meeting to be instantly ejected and a dose of Veramon - (Dimethylaminophenyldimethylpyrazolondiethylmalonylurea) forcibly administered.

12. New members, awaiting delivery of regalia, etc., not to be tortured.

LUBRICATION IN MODERATION

You are the proud possessor of a 1-man power internal combustion engine. Easy with the fuel and don't lubricate from the pump. Remember what over lubrication will do to your motor. Overheated and strained engine, sticky valves, clogged throttle, dirty contacts, slack control, unsightly body and general loss of power, value and trustworthiness. The British human motor requires regular and reasonable lubrication and British Beer in moderation is the best for British machines.

USE PROPER LUBRICANTS.

Hops are fruits of the earth and are Nature's genuine tribute to the human engine. Spirits are not comparable to Beer, but are useful for tanning leather, coats of stomachs, livers and other vitals. Excessive use of spirits will corrode the works and a moderate use of same is only beneficial to ancient or worn-out engines.

BRITISH BEER FOR BRITONS

LOCAL CHARITIES-SPECIAL

When desirable Provincial Vats may allocate up to two-thirds of the contents of the Oast Box to very deserving and urgent Local Charities, but the sanction of H.Q. should be requested as a matter of form and out of courtesy to the origin of the Ancient Order. 
Oast Box contents to be sent direct to Sir Alfred Fripp, K.C.V.O., 69 Portland Place, London, W.1.
The question of having an Annual Subscription crops up so frequently that it is desirable to point out that this would be contrary to the contract made with all Members when joining the A.O.F.B. Members desiring to suitably acknowledge their loyalty to the A.O.F.B. at yearly or other regular intervals are cordially invited to put their tribute in the nearest Oast Box (as per Vat addresses in this booklet). The entire contents of every Oast Box goes, like every other donation which is received, to charity solid, without any deduction whatever.

  A.O.F.B. VATS are being established
MINIMUM MEMBERSHIP 25 BLOWERS

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